My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
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Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Happy Febuary everyone!