I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
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What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
This sounds bad:
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM