I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
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Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
584.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves