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I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
this is literally a CIA plant
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Not all heroes wear capes….
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
This is my bus stop.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.