Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
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If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
that wasn’t the question
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great