I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
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Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me