Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
You Might Also Like
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
what kind of cook setting is this??
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.