Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
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The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.