Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
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Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to