My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
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Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.