Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
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A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet