I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
You Might Also Like
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
#FunnyLife Insects
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”