[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
You Might Also Like
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real