Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
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I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Pretty much! 😂👀
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated