boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
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Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.