MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
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Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
jesus christ confetti not now
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.