Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
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it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?