*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
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back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…