one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
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I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
why would tinder want me to say this
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?