What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
You Might Also Like
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
What is going on? 😅
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”