The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
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*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.