Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
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My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
The two types of wives
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter