Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
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“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs