The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
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I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
I think we should hear other voices.