Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
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My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.