haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
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Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them: