If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
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A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives