To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
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Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
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is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.