911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
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Oh yeh? Explain this then
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
me working on my assignments ^-^
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Siri: Retweet me.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!