Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
How to draw a duck
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines