My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”