Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
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[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*