[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
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I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Personal question. #JustSaying
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?