It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
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they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
good work, detective
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”