“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
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If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.