If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
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Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
me 2 months after i graduated
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
(Gaming support cat.)
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.