My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
You Might Also Like
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors