Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
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Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Favourite diary entry ever
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man