[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
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Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Oh, I bet you would be
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets