Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
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I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro