me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
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Holy crap this is wonderful
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.