God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
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“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.