cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
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I know this now 😂
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Hank is one in a melon.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.