“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
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Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I’m not stressed
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡