Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
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Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.