*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
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[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Shoo shoo! 😂
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”