“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
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Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
whatcha thinkin bout
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
hmmm
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!