Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
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My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k