It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
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Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”