PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
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I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond